Aslan vs. Wolverine: the Battle for Middle Earth

Today I will answer that age old question that has plagued the minds of society's most brilliant thinkers: "Who would win in a fight to the death; Aslan, from The Chronicles of Narnia, or Wolverine, of the X-Men?" Believe it or not, this question came pretty close to tearing my group of friends apart. And yes, this is how I tend to apply my tremendous amounts of intellectual capacity. I'm going to try and use a poorly researched analogy to prove that Aslan would, in fact, beat Wolverine in this fight. As I'm sure you know, Wikipedia is the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, for though it has many omissions and contains much that is apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, it's way easier than doing actual research.

The Combatants

 

Aslan

Strengths:

• He created Narnia
• He represents Jesus
• Liam Neeson does the voice in the more recent films of the book series
• Was a member of the Council of Nine in the Imaginationland episodes of South Park
• He was killed in The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe, but came back to life and totally killed the White Witch. He bit her face off. 
• I don't think he can go into the real world, so the fight would have to take place in Narnia (like I said, poorly researched)

Weaknesses:

• He doesn't have adamantium bonded to his skeleton
• Just has regular lion claws
• I'm not exactly sure how excited Jesus would be about hand-to-hand combat to the death, I'm pretty sure he was more of a pacifist

Wolverine

Strengths:

• Accelerated healing
• Adamantium bonded to his skeleton, including his skull
• Adamantium claws
• Canadian
• Hugh Jackman is cool

Weaknesses

• According to The Xavier Protocols, decapitation
• He's supposed to be about 5'3" tall
• Wasn't even in the Imaginationland episodes of South Park

The Poorly Researched Analogy
Okay, here is my train of thought on this:

Aslan represents Jesus, who is part of the holy trinity (father, son, and holy spirit) which is essentially saying that Jesus is God on Earth, therefore, Aslan is God. But, Aslan is voiced by Liam Neeson, who played Zeus in the remake of Clash of the Titans. Zeus is the king of the Greek Gods and we get the image of the Christian God from the Greek's image of Zeus,  so therefore, Aslan is Zeus.

Wolverine, on the other hand, gets most of his power from his adamantium enforced skeleton and his ability to heal super quickly. He's also really strong, like a certain Greek hero named Hercules. Hercules is the son of Zeus through a mortal mother, so he's not completely a God, but by no means is he human. Wolverine has some of these qualities as well, the adamantium in his body really makes him the deadly killing machine that he is, as well as makes him nearly invincible, but he doesn't have the same level of mutation that other mutants in the X-Men universe have (Mystique, Magneto, Nightcrawler, Cyclops, etc.), so he isn't a fully fledged mutant, nor is he human. Therefore, Wolverine is Hercules.

Okay, so are you with me so far? Good. Cause it starts to get tricky here.

So now we have a fight between Zeus and Hercules on our hands, and Hercules really can't match up here at all. He has the strength to vanquish lots of mythical beasts that threaten the kingdoms he serves, but he fails to defeat the only god he comes into conflict with, granted it is in a drinking contest with Dionysus, the wine god. Still, 0 for 1 in the fight against the Gods doesn't read too well for Hercules/Wolverine, especially since Zeus kicked lots of ass just so he could become King of the Gods. He dethroned his father, Cronus, after forcing him to regurgitate his siblings (Cronus swallowed them) and then, with help from his siblings, defeated the other Titans. He also had to defeat the Typhon and Echidna, the Father and Mother of Monsters, after Gaia ordered them to kill him. The Typhon and Echidna were the deadliest creatures in Greek mythology.

Okay, so Hercules clearly does not stand a chance here right? Right. But there is an argument that some people that know their Greek mythology might bring up. This argument is the fact that the first of Hercules' Labours was that he killed the Nemean lion. If Hercules (Wolverine) could kill the Nemean lion, then surely he could kill Aslan. This argument doesn't follow because I've already established that Aslan has more similarities to a God than he does to a mythical beast that tricked warriors into its cave so that it could devour them. That doesn't seem very Christian now, does it? So Aslan cannot be the equivalent to the Nemean lion because he has too many characteristics that define him as a God.

So who would win in a fight between Zeus and Hercules? Zeus. Hands down. I don't even think we have to go the full 5 rounds for this, and definitely no judge's decision necessary.

But how would this unfold in the real world? If there were no poorly researched analogies involved, just a straight up fight between Aslan and Wolverine?

This is how it would go.

The Main Event

Okay, for starters, I'm assuming that Aslan will actually take part in this fight because despite my claim that Jesus seems to be more of a pacifist, Aslan gets into lots of scraps in the Narnia books. These scraps are all basically in defence of his world from evil forces, and I'm sure he'd see Wolverine as an evil force cause he's never heard of the X-Men before.

Alright, so now we need to get some statistics down. Wolverine is approximately 5'3" tall and 195 pounds based on information I got here. The average African male lion is 4 feet tall at the shoulders, 8 feet long (not including tail), and about 413 pounds. Now, personally I believe that Aslan is way bigger than the average African male lion, but just for argument's sake I'll presume he isn't.

Average-African-male-lion-sized Aslan has an eye level view of Wolverine's chest, pretty good target right there, especially for a God lion. Now, Aslan already has experience removing the head of immortal beings (the White Witch), whereas, to my knowledge, Wolverine has never fought a Zeus/Jesus lion before. Sure he's taken on the Hulk, but this is completely different, Aslan is smart, agile, and not 100 times bigger than Wolverine, so he can track him way better than the Hulk can. And, as has already been established, Wolverine's biggest weakness is that he can be decapitated, precisely the thing that Aslan is good at.

So here's how it goes down, Wolverine enters Narnia, he comes across that lamp post in the middle of the forest and wanders around for a while. Eventually he comes to a clearing in the forest and who should appear, but the Creator of this magical land, Aslan. The two stare each other down for a while and Wolverine, being the hot-head that he is, strikes first. He lunges, adamantium claws out, at Aslan, who dodges just in time. They dance much in this way for a short while, maybe Wolverine sinks his claws into Aslan's flank, but definitely not a fatal blow. Aslan becomes agitated, and begins to swat at Wolverine with his front claws, landing some blows, but he sees that Wolverine's wounds heal before they even bleed. But, Aslan standing on his hind legs is still almost twice as tall as Wolverine, so he comes down with his full weight on top of Wolverine, pinning him to the ground, and promptly bites his damn head off, then spits it far enough away that it can't reattach itself to Wolverine's body.

Game Over.

Post Game Show

I'm kind of sad to see a good Canadian boy like Wolverine get his mothereffing head chomped off, but seriously, if you play with fire you're gonna burned. Maybe if he had been a little less hot-headed he could have enjoyed a bit more of the magical world that is Narnia. But knowing Wolverine he probably just would have gotten super pissed that there weren't enough sexy ladies around to stroke his side burns. Plus I don't think cigars are legal in children's literature.

Edit: Okay, so I got lots of feedback about this post, and it was pretty overwhelming that I got this all wrong. I have compiled a list of the objections raised and I will respond to them within the next few posts and defend my position that Aslan would in fact tear Wolverine's head right off his shoulders.